


Back To You

by angelofthenightposts



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 06:27:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20169649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthenightposts/pseuds/angelofthenightposts
Summary: It’s Bucky’s birthday, and an old friend he never expected hadn’t left him alone.





	Back To You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys, thank you for reading it! If you want to read more of my stories, you can find me on Tumblr, @angelofthenightposts

Baby blue eyes focused on the beige wall, shiny metal fingers constantly tapping out on his knee, Bucky was thinking an answer to the question his psychologist asked. “Why do you blame yourself for all the bad things?”

At first, Bucky gave a sarcastic reply, hoping to get away; but when he noticed the determined gaze of the woman sitting in the opposite, he cleared his throat and looked away. Judging by the gaze who had stared at him quietly for the last ten minutes, Bucky wouldn’t leave the room without an honest answer. Two minutes to the end of the session, he had to continue this game for only two more minutes. He couldn’t help but try to find the answer; he could say that he would never deserve happiness after spending his whole life as a bad guy. Or he could always say that something bad would happen whenever he believed everything was fine, but all of these answers would only lead to more pessimistic and longer sessions. He thought the clock would never chime as the hour and minute hand moved slower to just to spite him. After a deep sigh, he murmured, "I don’t know.”

“I think you can do better, James.” He opened his mouth to tell her it was Bucky but noticed that she was writing something quickly in her notebook. Bucky frowned as he leaned forward to see what it was written. When the woman quickly closed the lid, she smiled at him, no different from the smile given to a child because he ate vegetables or tidied up the room. Bucky rolled his eyes, leaning back on the couch. He was used to spending hours with dozens of psychologists in a room that was usually beige or white, but somehow he wasn’t able to intimidate or dissuade this one. Even if Bucky had entered the room by vowing he would never speak about his past, she had succeeded in making him talk willingly.

“You want to know why I hold myself responsible. All right, here’s the answer. It is very difficult to look around with happy and hopeful eyes while I can guess what other people think of me. I’m nothing more than a bloody murderer, a cruel, insensitive monster.

“Who are we talking about here? Your teammates? Other agents working on the facility? ”Great, now Bucky was starting to feel like a snitch; he just shook his head in response. No, his teammates were doing their best to make him feel better. He was his biggest enemy, in the middle of one of these previous sessions, it dawned on him. Bucky couldn’t forgive himself. How could anyone trust him while he couldn’t trust himself?

“James, what you need right now is stability, things should go unchanged, and that’s a big factor in gaining your will and self-esteem. If something changes in your life, something really big that I’m talking about here; I know that you put your own issues aside to solve the new one.”

“You don’t seem to know our lives, Doc. All we do is try to find out how to deal with things that surprise us a little bit more every day, monsters, aliens… “As Bucky kept talking about the things he’d never thought were real, the woman added one thing to his list and it caught Bucky off guard.

"Or Agent Y/N’s sudden transfer.” His eyebrows plunged into a deep frown, lips ajar in shock. If Bucky knew they were going to talk about her, he would never have stepped in. But the doctor was just like Bucky thought, sneaky and smart.

“Yes,” he whispered, though he was hesitant between telling he wanted to go and slamming the door.

Y/N was one of the few people Bucky cared about, and even if he had to rank these people, it was obvious that the woman would be on top of the list. Bucky didn’t have feelings for her when they first met, which wasn’t unusual because Steve was the only person he cared about at the time. But as time passed, he realized that the Y/N had meant much more to him. Behind her agile and fit body, she had a soft and loving heart which had knocked down all of Bucky’s walls and made him love her. When everything was so beautiful, he didn’t understand why the woman wanted to go away. But he could still remember how excited she was on every mission and saying that other field missions were no different from shit unless she was with Avengers. So the danger never intimidated her, Bucky saw with his own eyes that she was one of bravest women he had met. Her being able to communicate with everyone in the team and even on top of that, earning the respect of everyone stroke out all the remaining reasons on his why she wanted to leave list. Bucky had no logical explanation for this sudden decision. 

“Are you still in touch with her? You told me she was the one who convinced you to take your first step through this door. ”

“At first I tried, we talked briefly on the phone several times. But we don’t communicate anymore; you know busy lives, the time difference and all that…”

“I understand; even though things aren’t the same, Y/N never stopped calling me every once in a while and checking up on you. You have a good friend, James. ” Bucky quickly raised his gaze from the carpet beneath his feet and stared at her to see if she was serious. He was so angry at Y/N for several months; he tried to comfort himself by telling that their friendship was nothing more than a lie, so he had an excuse not to run to the phone and call the woman. But that would change everything; Y/N had never stopped caring about him, why would she prefer to learn from someone instead of simply calling Bucky and asking?

“What exactly did she ask you?” With the silence in response, Bucky decided to answer his question a bit differently, licking his lips as he wiped his sweaty hands on the fabric of his pants. “What did she especially want to know about me?”

“Bucky, I’ve never talked to her about you, if I did; I’d lose my career and respect. But Y/N told me she didn’t care about the details, that she just wanted to know one thing,” The doctor smiled at Bucky, his eyes glowing with the excitement and curiously waiting for an answer; she left the pen and the notebook on the coffee table in the middle, a sign that the session was over for today. She took off her glasses and rubbed both sides of her nasal bone, “She wanted to know if you still hate yourself and think you don’t deserve happiness.”

“And what did you answer?” Bucky held his breath as he tried to understand why Y/N was curious about it.

“The truth… I told her that love is something you still don’t want and think you don’t deserve and that I’m doing everything I can to resolve it.”

At that afternoon, when Bucky left the office, he couldn’t decide what surprised him more; Y/N had called his doctor and asked about him, and she had done so regularly for months. Instead of taking the phone and touching Bucky’s name on the screen, she chose to learn from a stranger. He couldn’t understand what he did to cause this; he had always tried to be a good friend to her as much as he could. He was confused and had to stay alone to think of everything. He heard Steve’s voice in somewhere down the corridor as he walked with his head tilted down. Bucky froze in place after he turned around to ask why the team returned so early and give Steve a welcome hug. Steve was in his daily clothes, a pair of dark jeans and a tee; he had a small scar on his cheek that had almost healed. But what surprised Bucky so much was the woman who walked with Sam a few steps behind Steve. Although she had a haircut and lost weight since the last time he saw her, Bucky would have known her anywhere. Hers and Bucky’s eyes met, her smile grew more and more every moment they walked to Bucky. Bucky continued to look at her in a captivated way as Steve pulled the confused man closer and patted his back.

"After your recent situation, we decided to give you a little surprise and guess, who is the head chef of the Special Forces in Berlin? Exactly, Y/N.”

“Hello, Bucky.”

“Instead of staring at the girl as if you’ve seen a monster, go talk to her.”Sam sat down next to Bucky sitting at one end of the room with a glass of whiskey in his hand. He repeatedly tried to bring man into people, encouraged him to join conversations. Sam didn’t have to question why the more social Bucky was back to his old self; the reason was chatting with a few people at the corner of the big room. Aware of a pair of blue eyes that watched her all night; Y/N turned her head and saluted Sam by raising her glass.

“What am I going to say?” Bucky murmured without looking away from her; he felt like if his gaze focused on something else for a moment, she wouldn’t be there. He had only wanted to hug her since they met in the hall a few hours ago, but Y/N quickly crushed Bucky’s dreams with a quick nod and staying away from him for the rest of the day. She only smiled at him once in a while as she kept chatting with all the others. It was as if she didn’t want to see him, and it caused his heart to fall apart.

Oh god, he really missed her, he didn’t think it was possible but Bucky could sense the colorful, joyous energy circulating him, Y/N was like a rainbow that came out after a bad and terrible storm; she knew how to make everyone feel hopeful and happy no matter what.

"I don’t know, I heard hello is popular, ”Sam dropped his empty glass on the nearest surface and squeezed Bucky’s left shoulder to give support,“ I’m sure she missed you too, you two used to be very close. ”

“Yes, used to.” Bucky patted Sam on his shoulder before turning his back on Y/N and heading up the stairs to the big terrace,” Tell the guests that I thank them for coming. I’ll go to my room after getting some air. Goodnight, Sam. ”

Bucky approached the balustrades as he filled the cold air into his lungs and looked up at the sky. Another time he could see the stars shining in the black night, one of the advantages of living in a place so far out of the city; but tonight the bright red, white and blue lights that illuminated the facility stretched to the sky, as usual, Tony wanted the world to know that there was a celebration. He could hear the music and speeches coming from the inside, but he tried to no avail to ignore the lump in his throat. “I knew you’d get bored with all of this right away and want to go to a quiet place as soon as possible. ”When Y/N took her first step out of the door, she watched her steps, her dress longer than she wanted. When she realized that Bucky had just stood still, she wasn’t sure if he’d heard her voice.

"I’ve never been a fan of bright lights, loud music, or celebrations. ”As the footsteps approached Bucky, the man tensed even further, warm wind bringing her sweet scent. Bucky never turned his head when Y/N stood next to, afraid of losing himself under the influence of her eyes. When the familiar smell numbed all his senses, he slowly closed his eyes. “Steve’s talking about how you used to force him to all Stark fun back in the days, so don’t lie to me.” When a moan fell on his lips stating that he wasn’t happy that Steve was talking about him inside; Y/N added, as if she could read his mind. “Steve is your best friend, Bucky. Of course, he will talk about you and your memories, especially on a night like this. ”

“It’s good to see you here, Y/N. It feels good to see a familiar face after all. ”Bucky felt a little relieved when he spoke only one of her thoughts in a low voice.

“Today is a special day for you; of course, I’ll be here with you, Bucky.” Y/N paused as she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, and she started to dive into her bag quickly; whatever was in it had to be very important. "I almost forgot to give you this. When I first settled in Berlin, I saw it in a small boutique, and I thought if it was to belong to someone, it must be you. ” 

Bucky turned to the woman for the first time since night, the first time his gaze met hers without hesitation or discomfort. He watched as Y/N’s thin fingers moved inside the bag, excited but impatient, finally pulling out a velvet box. She licked her lips and extended the black box to the man with a big smile. When Bucky hesitated for a few seconds, she rolled her eyes and opened the box herself.

"How do you know it’s my birthday?” In the darkness of the night, his eyes like an ocean focused on the gift for a few seconds and turned back up to her face. The fact that Y/N remembered had more meaning than any gift in the world.

“From your criminal file,” Y/N giggled, hoping for Bucky to loosen up a bit, but when she realized he didn’t react to her joke, she cleared her throat and became serious,“ You told me when we first met, remember? I was going to send it by cargo, but I thought it wouldn’t be a better moment when Sam suggested I come here. I hope you like it.”

Y/N took the bracelet out of the box where it was carefully placed, she smiled when the moonlight reflected on the bracelet, and it looked more beautiful and bright than ever, even though it had been waiting for months. After seeing the soft and shocked expression on Bucky’s face, she took a few steps and closed the distance between them. Her fingers moved over the man’s skin, and when it finally found the place around his wrist, Y/N raised her head in a contented expression and wanted to see if he liked it. “When I saw the small symbols, I thought it was definitely designed for you. Look, this is a snowflake and that one is a wolf.” As she kept pointing at other ones, she tried to breathe as little as possible; the exquisite and familiar smell that emanated from Bucky’s skin would numb her brain a little more with each passing second, almost hypnotizing her brain to approach him. She felt humiliated as Bucky stood there without saying anything, maybe he didn’t like the gift? Maybe he found it too flashy or ridiculous for a man to wear. Y/N hadn’t seen him wear any accessories other than digital watches and physical training trackers, for a moment she felt angry for the choice of gifts.

“Thank you, it’s beautiful.”Bucky gently pulled his wrist between her fingers and moved it closer to his face so that he could look at it more carefully, "no one had ever given me something like this before.”

"You’re welcome, Bucky. You deserve the best. ”When she finally got a reaction from the man, Y/N let out her breath and the satisfied smile on her face disappeared, realizing that Bucky didn’t agree with her last sentence; nothing had changed, Bucky still saw himself worthless. Even though she wanted to tell him what a special person he was, and shout that he needed more love than anyone else until he realized; Y/N cleared her throat, turned her head with the sounds of laughter coming from inside,” Everyone inside, waiting for you to blow the candles.“ 

She didn’t wait for him, grabbing the end of her dress and taking her first step towards the door. She turned her head quickly as one hand wrapped around her arm and stopped her. It had been a problem for her since she was little when people touched without permission, but this time, Y/N couldn’t say a single word, only looked into the blue eyes.

“Why did you leave?”

“What?” Bucky knew he had caught her off guard, aware of her quick breathings and wide eyes.

“Bucky, this isn’t a good time to talk, everyone is waiting for us.”

“I don’t mind; please answer me, why did you suddenly go to the other end of the world? Because I don’t understand, I’ve been thinking about it for months, but I can’t make anything of it. You were happy here, everything was fine. ”Bucky mumbled in despair until he ran out of breath, slipped his hand through his hair and sighed deeply,” Did I do something wrong? I did it, didn’t I? Because it can’t be someone else, you’re good with everyone except me, but you’ve run away from me like I’m a sick person all night. Did I say something to make you feel worthless? Please give me an explanation, Y/N.”

“Bucky, please.” Y/N knew she was trying in vain when she pulled her arm to get out of his captivity; he didn’t need a metal arm to control her. She was no different than a gazelle trying to get away before a lion made its last move. For a few seconds, she looked into the man’s eyes, and after seeing the pure determination and desperation, she dropped her shoulders in defeat. "I, I just needed to get away from you, Bucky.”

When Bucky froze over what he had heard, his entire body loosened, so all his assumptions were true, he was the reason for Y/N to go away. “I had to stay away from you, but I wasn’t brave enough to do it, knowing and willingly walked into the fire, Bucky. For a man who doesn’t realize how much I love him, I deprived myself a little more every day. ”

“Did you love me?”

“I know this is a big surprise for you, but everyone knew except you. Everyone was aware of how much effort I had made in order to have a few words with the team’s most distant man.” When Bucky closed his eyes under her touch, she tried to ignore the lump in her throat, “I can’t blame you, Bucky. I know you think you don’t deserve love, that you see yourself as a monster. I’ve tried to give you all the love I have, I really have. But I know you won’t love anyone else unless you start loving yourself. ”

“I-,” Bucky tilted his head against the palm of her hand, afraid to realize that it was just a dream if he opened his eyes. He had so much to say, but he also knew that she was right.

“It’s okay, Bucky. You don’t have to answer or say anything. You’re not the first man to break my heart. Don’t worry, I’m used to it. I just want you to realize how much everyone loves you, how much they care about you. Look, we’re all here, for you, to be with you. Please come in with me and look at people’s faces carefully, and you will see how happy they all are to see you. ”When she saw Bucky nodding, Y/N smiled happily, thanking God for the first time that she was the same height as the guy with the heels, and left a little kiss on his cheek, “Thank you, Bucky. Happy Birthday." 

About half an hour later, when Bucky managed to blow all the 110 candles on the giant cake, he saw the people applauding, and Sam and Steve standing next to him were blowing up confetti. He looked at everyone in the room, smiling, and saw the woman staring at him in the crowd across. He saw Y/N’s applause with excitement and the glowing accessory when she raised her wrist to give him a thumb up. His gaze went down to his wrist, Bucky didn’t know how he didn’t notice it all night, but while running his fingers over the little figures, he was sure that her bracelet was a copy of his gift.


End file.
